tacenda

 It is nearing the end of June already. How time flies. Last time this year, I had just completed the filming of a programme. This time, I am pretty much idle. Last week was wonderful, because I finally had some deep sleep albeit short each time. Insufficient rest never felt more real. I also actually managed to complete two books, one English one Chinese, within six days. I absolutely love being in the reading momentum. It's a getaway from the real world, I figure I really needed that.  Things have been a mess earlier. I really, really could not focus. It was either the lack of focus causing my inability to sleep or the other way round. In either case, I suffered terribly. I swear at one point, I was going to break, and so I decided perhaps I really needed to raise the white flag even if that meant I did not have an alternative. Contrary to the belief of many, I did not think it was of utmost importance to secure a job before quitting. My sanity was already hanging by a threa...

I actually cannot even remember the last time I typed in English...because every time I do, I feel  like I am having a conversation with you. These days, I finally feel that you are very distant. I still think of you every single day, but I do think I am getting better. It has been more than nine months since we met? Maybe as time passes, I will finally forget how you look like, how you sound, and unlike now, I will not remember anything about you everywhere I go.  Maybe this is really how it is like to love someone, isn't it? I never expected to become like what I am now, totally in a different world, don't know how to communicate with people anymore. I used to think that because of you, I was becoming a better version of myself. But right now, I don't know what is left of me. There is no joy, no sadness too, nothing. I wonder if I am already incapable of feeling any emotions. That day when I watched Tuesdays with Morrie, I thought of you a lot. About the book I gave you b...

You know, since the day we parted, there isn't a single day when I don't wake up in the morning or going to bed at night thinking about it. Not a single day. Everywhere I go, there is bound to be something that reminds me of you. I tried going beyond this country, but every little thing could still remind me of you. And I thought, maybe this period would be best, since we are not allowed to go anywhere? But nope, it feels worse actually. You are still everywhere. It's been almost two years. And I don't try fighting for a closure anymore. Still, it bites me all the time. The fact that I did a wrong thing - walk away. I don't know how better I could have done this. Just why, why do I have to live with this guilt? Why do I have to lose everything, including you? What is the point of achieving my dreams when you are not there to share with me my joy? From that day till today, I have never been happy. There is so much I want to tell you. But never, ...

And so, it all happened as I had imagined before. You sitting at the last row of the bus which I board. Except when it really played out in reality, I did not know how to react. That was the fifth time we coincided. The first being in the cinema when we had each gone to watch Deadpool with our respective friends. We went to watch Deadpool 2 together two years later. Second, Suntec City, after you finished watching a movie with your friend. I was with my two best friends then, and I shouted your name from afar. You said you had a bad day and did not hear me. Third, in the train cabin at one-north station. You were on your phone, playing Pokemon Go perhaps. I snapped my fingers in front of you. We hardly spoke. The fourth time, in the train cabin at Bugis station. You were staring into blank space. I snapped my fingers in front of you again, and asked why we always met in the train cabin.  We had a good chat, at least it was considerably good given we had stopped talking for so long ...

Maybe you're right, we're both not ready.

I lost my pouch today. In it were all my Marvel cards. All of them :(

I don't know if I could just un-hear what I heard last night. On a better note, maybe, I was able to recover quite quickly. The pain was there, just not so intense. It used to feel a lot like a twist, now it feels like a tiny jab.  I have been reading quite conscientiously. The book I got from my trip could really blow my mind away, and I like that.  So, maybe that is why I find myself slowly coming to terms with myself on various levels. In any case, it's a good thing. I know I am not going to recover the parts of myself I lost, and I don't intend to find them. Go with the flow, I was told. Perhaps I should do just that. 

Dear You, Maybe because it's your birthday today, so I think of you a little more than usual. I'm back today. I fulfilled the trip you didn't manage to make it for. And over the last few days, I kept thinking if we would have gone mad over everything had you been around. Are you okay now? I hope you're at least getting better. There is so much I want to find out but I dare not even ask, for fear that your peaceful life will be disrupted. One year ago today, you got your license. And I sent you a bouquet of baby breaths. Look what one year did to people. You fell sick. I went on a solo trip. We are all so different from a year ago. But no matter where I am, I hope you are well. Have a blessed birthday. Wgg.

Perhaps this trip was quite timely after all. It gave me some time off to think through things, because there is really so much I need to come to terms with. This year's Taipei is exceptionally cold somehow. As I strolled down the streets, I realised how much my thoughts have been fighting in my head. This period of peace suddenly feels so short.

Today, I think I did everything I could. I deleted everything. I will start on a fresh page.

Goodbye, once again. Thank you for reading this space.

Stupid, I still miss you very much. Many a times, actually, I still hear your voice ringing in my head. I think I know I am merely holding on to the good old times, and all I wanted was a closure, maybe. But I also know we should not always fight for closures. Every single morning and night, I still think. Sometimes the feelings never get less intense. But I am trying. Trying to cope with losing you and a part of myself. I have been reading and asking for more work. But I jolly well know I am not performing up to my standards. Therefore I am going to keep trying, till I am back to where I am supposed to be.

Almost three months and I am still trying.

My dear, please grow up loving your mum and continue to love godma so much ok? Happy birthday!

Today I went for a walk. And everywhere I went, everything was about you. But I am still trying.

Dear You, It has been...two months? You said you didn't want to push me away, maybe I pushed you away instead. And now, no matter how hard I try, you just never come back. I know you are dealing with your own problems. I know you have been unwell. And I really, really don't want you to be facing your problems alone. I want to hear you share with me what you are stressed out about, like you always did. We have shared so much in the last one year, I don't know why we ended up this way. I wished you knew just how much I want to say I am sorry, if I had upsetted you. But I also wished you knew how confused I was earlier when things happened, that I had to do what I did. I'm sorry I hurt you.  But if space is what you need from me now, okay. I am going to let you go and give you what you want. I don't know how to lose you now without losing a part of myself. But I am going to try. Remember what we joked about me bringing you bad luck? I hope from now on, things will only...

今天是第几天了呢？其实我已经不记得，也不在去计算。 只是，每天早上睡醒和晚上睡前想的都是同一件事，似乎无法释怀。 这不是第一次经理这样的事情，却一直没法从中学习更好地处理。 现在其实觉得自己最需要的是个短假期吧？也许真正远离这里，才能够忘记一些一直无法忘记的事情。 即便在做自己很喜欢的事，心情却一直不能愉悦起来。甚至，心中的麻木竟是如此强烈，强烈得让我感觉自己真的不能再这么下去。 12月，快来吧。

I really, really stormy nights. I like the sound of rain tapping on my window. I like the peace I find in the sound of rain, making nothing else matter.

I am letting go. And that's not because I don't care. It's precisely because I care too much. Most parts of me still hope that one day, you will come to understand. Maybe when that time comes, it no longer matters. But I still hope you will understand that I have never tried to benefit anything out of this.

I don't know how to make sense actually. It's like I have lost connection with the three people who matter the most to me. And somehow, I can no longer find it back again. Every day, I can literally feel my heart being twisted. I try to dismiss that by doing my best to focus on work. It helps though. Maybe because I am still so passionate about my work that I could forget everything else when I'm at it. Today, a thought, merely a thought about work, made me very excited. I cannot wait to work on something that I have pictured in my head for the longest time. It's like living my dream. I thought it was one of the best days for me in the last broken month until something came up again and totally ruined it. I don't know how to make sense actually. Am I meant for all these?