tacenda

I actually cannot even remember the last time I typed in English...because every time I do, I feel  like I am having a conversation with you. These days, I finally feel that you are very distant. I still think of you every single day, but I do think I am getting better. It has been more than nine months since we met? Maybe as time passes, I will finally forget how you look like, how you sound, and unlike now, I will not remember anything about you everywhere I go.  Maybe this is really how it is like to love someone, isn't it? I never expected to become like what I am now, totally in a different world, don't know how to communicate with people anymore. I used to think that because of you, I was becoming a better version of myself. But right now, I don't know what is left of me. There is no joy, no sadness too, nothing. I wonder if I am already incapable of feeling any emotions. That day when I watched Tuesdays with Morrie, I thought of you a lot. About the book I gave you b...

You know, since the day we parted, there isn't a single day when I don't wake up in the morning or going to bed at night thinking about it. Not a single day. Everywhere I go, there is bound to be something that reminds me of you. I tried going beyond this country, but every little thing could still remind me of you. And I thought, maybe this period would be best, since we are not allowed to go anywhere? But nope, it feels worse actually. You are still everywhere. It's been almost two years. And I don't try fighting for a closure anymore. Still, it bites me all the time. The fact that I did a wrong thing - walk away. I don't know how better I could have done this. Just why, why do I have to live with this guilt? Why do I have to lose everything, including you? What is the point of achieving my dreams when you are not there to share with me my joy? From that day till today, I have never been happy. There is so much I want to tell you. But never, ...

And so, it all happened as I had imagined before. You sitting at the last row of the bus which I board. Except when it really played out in reality, I did not know how to react. That was the fifth time we coincided. The first being in the cinema when we had each gone to watch Deadpool with our respective friends. We went to watch Deadpool 2 together two years later. Second, Suntec City, after you finished watching a movie with your friend. I was with my two best friends then, and I shouted your name from afar. You said you had a bad day and did not hear me. Third, in the train cabin at one-north station. You were on your phone, playing Pokemon Go perhaps. I snapped my fingers in front of you. We hardly spoke. The fourth time, in the train cabin at Bugis station. You were staring into blank space. I snapped my fingers in front of you again, and asked why we always met in the train cabin.  We had a good chat, at least it was considerably good given we had stopped talking for so long ...

Maybe you're right, we're both not ready.

I lost my pouch today. In it were all my Marvel cards. All of them :(

I don't know if I could just un-hear what I heard last night. On a better note, maybe, I was able to recover quite quickly. The pain was there, just not so intense. It used to feel a lot like a twist, now it feels like a tiny jab.  I have been reading quite conscientiously. The book I got from my trip could really blow my mind away, and I like that.  So, maybe that is why I find myself slowly coming to terms with myself on various levels. In any case, it's a good thing. I know I am not going to recover the parts of myself I lost, and I don't intend to find them. Go with the flow, I was told. Perhaps I should do just that.