tacenda

这个星期，是应该很开心的。 至少在我的印象中，这周发生的事情，感觉都是很美好的。 星期二做晚班的时候，晚上离开的同学有好几个都跟我说再见。尽管不认识，他们倒是很热情，使我觉得这个地方还是有很好的人。 星期四给大家讲解活动的情况和必须注意的事项，大家兴致勃勃，感觉很起劲。 昨天星期五，虽然办的课只来了四位同学，但都很认真学习，让我感觉很安慰。 只是不知道为什么，今天实在无法打起精神。 这是乐极生悲吗？ 就像我这两年来常说的，开心很重要。但我总是不敢太开心。 凡是觉得适量就好。 活动是来临的周四。筹备了8个月，终于来了。 我其实真的很希望一切可以顺顺利利，最重要是可以达到我心目中的目标。 但无论达到与否，我想我已下定决心要离开这个地方。 祝我好运。

This week rendered me a little physically worn out but I should say, mentally I am actually going strong. Pretty proud of myself. boyboy did something very innocent yesterday but to me, it was a very sweet thing :) I am learning to be contented with my life. Well, it is currently the most meaningful thing to do?

2016年8月6日。阴。 这阵子好累。 即将办的大活动日子慢慢逼近，我就越紧张，越害怕，害怕还有什么事没处理好。 已经连续三个周六回办公室做事，回家的时候总是累得不想说半句话。 但因为之前忙得一直把自己关在房间里，已经很久没有跟母亲说话。 所以告诉自己，今天无论如何，都要跟她聊聊天。 我买了她爱吃的老曽记咖喱角，坐在客厅的餐桌跟她边吃边聊些生活琐事。 母亲提到想去看房子。 最近，我们一直在看房子。 她打了电话给房屋经纪，我二话不说，跟她去看房子。 房子坐落在我们二十多年前居住的组屋附近。 参观了房子，母亲一直问我：“你觉得怎么样？” 我都回答：“还不错。” 但我的心，是真的真的很想搬回来这个地方。 我对童年没有太多的记忆。 只记得这个地方有很多全家人还很凝聚时候的快乐回忆。 看完房子，我们到二十多年前每周六晚都会去的那间咖啡店吃晚餐。 咖啡店自然是面目全非。 当年最爱吃的砂煲饭也已经不在了。那时父亲总是说那种东西吃多不健康，然后边唠叨边用汤匙从我的盘里舀我的腊肠沙煲饭吃。 吃完，我们到附近的市场走走。 母亲很静。 我知道她跟我一样，正在慢慢咀嚼那些片段式的回忆。 太多太多了。 也许那些画面快要堆满她整个头脑，所以她必须用言语把脑子掏空。 “以前他还在的时候，我们每次来这里都很热闹，现在冷清清的。” 我也忍不住了。 “是咯，那时你每次放工，他带着我去载你，我们都会去那里吃鱼圆面。” 我指向我们当年喜欢坐的角落。 母亲的头转向水果摊。 我又说：“还有每次他载我上学，会来这里买包亚答子回家吃。” 那是我和父亲从前最疯狂的东西。每周一包。软的亚答子我吃，硬的留给他。 回家的时候，母亲说：“如果你满意的话，我们就认真考虑一下。” 我说好。 本来想要多说一句：“住在这里的时候是我人生最快乐的日子，搬回来更好。” 但是我很自觉地止住，没多说。 可能是因为觉得母亲一定会说：“怎么一样？以前和现在毕竟都不一样了。” 母亲有时候就是很扫兴，所以不想她让我的希望幻灭。 最近朋友发了一篇文章给我，里面有句话说：“愿意相信，就是心中的一种美好。” 我想也是吧。 这阵子很累。 但我还是一直很向往快乐的日子。 就像今天。 一些以为自己已经失去了的记忆，其实只是搁置在心里的某一处。 可能是过去对父亲的憎恨太深，儿时的记忆也随之埋得很深。 有时甚至觉得快乐这个东西在那个时候也一同葬送了。 但我现在相...

These days, I repeatedly tried to recall the last time I could count a day a happy one. I have no recollection of such an occasion. Yes. I do know it is pointless to kill my brain cells like this, what matters most is not looking back but embracing what is coming. But what if what is coming is too horrifying to embrace? Yesterday over dinner, Jan said he would always imagine the alternative and if it was a worse situation, then he would contend and doing so has sustained him till now. I thought it was quite an appropriate advice. It has been a while since I heard a constructive advice that actually makes me feel better. Work issues have been making me very demoralised, not to say upset (okay maybe sometimes upset yes). To the point that I have been displaying bad attitude. The irony is that I am actually conscious about all these. I stop replying messages. I am rude to people, many times my mother. If anything, I think I have really been a very horrible person. And.. I think I am still...

It's the last night in Perth. And I am currently lying in bed watching The Hulk on TV. The past few days were... I don't even know how to put it. I had seen the doctor twice and got an MC just before I came here. And so the first part of my travel was spent taking medicine, feeling so much discomfort and looking for more medicine because I stupidly brought insufficient pills and clothes in this very cold winter. Today when I finally felt better in the morning, I suffered from very bad cramps and did not manage to enjoy myself too much. Yesterday, however, was the highlight of this trip. Rottnest island was absolutely huge and beautiful. I wasn't really expecting so much from an island but the views there were simply breathtaking and pictures just wouldn't do justice to the magnificence I witnessed for myself. I am so glad I came here after all, because at one point in time last week I actually did think of backing out because of endless work and issues stemming from the...

Friday I went for breakfast at Yakun. The cashier auntie told me I was very lucky because I got two double yolks (at the same price). Well but then it did not seem the case actually. It was quite a stressful day and, by evening I was down with a very severe throat inflammation. I tried to see a doctor but after an hour's wait, I was still 15 patients away from my turn. Hence I decided to go home and take a rest first. The next morning I tried my luck again and managed to see the doctor after 1.5 hours of waiting -.-  The doctor said my inflammation was not as bad as he had expected. I didn't know whether to feel happy or not. He advised that for the next two days, "You should have some vocal rest or bluntly put, shut up unless you have opinions that you are dying to express". Wow. Interesting advice a doctor can give his patient yeah? So anyway, I spent more than half the day sleeping and slacking. Today, I decided to catch Cold War 2 myself, since I have had enough o...

It really wasn't a good day at work. Sometimes I can't help but wonder, I really tried to be very nice to some people. Why are they so nasty? I used to think, as long you are nice to others, they will return your goodwill. But, apparently no? Maybe I am really too naive. Good thing being, after work I dragged myself to attend body combat class with zzr and yh. It was extremely intensive, especially for me. However I really liked the adrenaline. Getting myself drenched in perspiration always makes me feel alive (except I almost can't feel my arms now after all the punching). Oh and, the instructor was so encouraging I really liked her :) On our way to dinner, we bumped into Mrs. Tan, who obviously looked the same. She held my hand and asked if I had found a boyfriend. I thought that was very sweet of her. While she may nag at me over the same thing again and again, I actually really appreciate that she is always so concerned about me. It makes me feel so warm inside. Dinner ...