tacenda

These days, I repeatedly tried to recall the last time I could count a day a happy one. I have no recollection of such an occasion. Yes. I do know it is pointless to kill my brain cells like this, what matters most is not looking back but embracing what is coming. But what if what is coming is too horrifying to embrace? Yesterday over dinner, Jan said he would always imagine the alternative and if it was a worse situation, then he would contend and doing so has sustained him till now. I thought it was quite an appropriate advice. It has been a while since I heard a constructive advice that actually makes me feel better. Work issues have been making me very demoralised, not to say upset (okay maybe sometimes upset yes). To the point that I have been displaying bad attitude. The irony is that I am actually conscious about all these. I stop replying messages. I am rude to people, many times my mother. If anything, I think I have really been a very horrible person. And.. I think I am still...

It's the last night in Perth. And I am currently lying in bed watching The Hulk on TV. The past few days were... I don't even know how to put it. I had seen the doctor twice and got an MC just before I came here. And so the first part of my travel was spent taking medicine, feeling so much discomfort and looking for more medicine because I stupidly brought insufficient pills and clothes in this very cold winter. Today when I finally felt better in the morning, I suffered from very bad cramps and did not manage to enjoy myself too much. Yesterday, however, was the highlight of this trip. Rottnest island was absolutely huge and beautiful. I wasn't really expecting so much from an island but the views there were simply breathtaking and pictures just wouldn't do justice to the magnificence I witnessed for myself. I am so glad I came here after all, because at one point in time last week I actually did think of backing out because of endless work and issues stemming from the...

Friday I went for breakfast at Yakun. The cashier auntie told me I was very lucky because I got two double yolks (at the same price). Well but then it did not seem the case actually. It was quite a stressful day and, by evening I was down with a very severe throat inflammation. I tried to see a doctor but after an hour's wait, I was still 15 patients away from my turn. Hence I decided to go home and take a rest first. The next morning I tried my luck again and managed to see the doctor after 1.5 hours of waiting -.-  The doctor said my inflammation was not as bad as he had expected. I didn't know whether to feel happy or not. He advised that for the next two days, "You should have some vocal rest or bluntly put, shut up unless you have opinions that you are dying to express". Wow. Interesting advice a doctor can give his patient yeah? So anyway, I spent more than half the day sleeping and slacking. Today, I decided to catch Cold War 2 myself, since I have had enough o...

It really wasn't a good day at work. Sometimes I can't help but wonder, I really tried to be very nice to some people. Why are they so nasty? I used to think, as long you are nice to others, they will return your goodwill. But, apparently no? Maybe I am really too naive. Good thing being, after work I dragged myself to attend body combat class with zzr and yh. It was extremely intensive, especially for me. However I really liked the adrenaline. Getting myself drenched in perspiration always makes me feel alive (except I almost can't feel my arms now after all the punching). Oh and, the instructor was so encouraging I really liked her :) On our way to dinner, we bumped into Mrs. Tan, who obviously looked the same. She held my hand and asked if I had found a boyfriend. I thought that was very sweet of her. While she may nag at me over the same thing again and again, I actually really appreciate that she is always so concerned about me. It makes me feel so warm inside. Dinner ...

刚看完Middle的书。 人生就是应该要有这么多遗憾吗? 说真的, 我不想。

I read my past entries again today. Mostly the ones I wrote in 2014 when things were very, very bad. Somehow I felt I could write quite well at that time. At least it seemed I had expressed myself quite clearly. Maybe I was truly emotional and melancholic for the longest time, and they say, one who is full of misery could come up with extraordinary pieces. Right now, I doubt I could write as well. In a way, yes, I am no longer that emotional, nor that melancholic. Once in a while, I still find myself in a state of isolation, yet usually by choice, for I have learnt to cope with many things on my own that I often need time alone. Whatever happens, if I ever feel upset, I snap out of it very quickly. This is something I discover about myself the past half a year at least, and I am secretly proud of this achievement. I think I have become a genuinely stronger person, mentally and emotionally.  Recently, however, I am actually very vexed because of work. I am not upset I guess, but I h...

星期四是端午节。师母传来简讯问我今天要不要到他们家吃粽子，顺便吃午餐。我答应了。 出发前，师母还千叮万嘱不要买东西上他们家。 于是我只好两手空空去吃霸王餐。 一坐就是三小时。照样是跟师母聊些生活琐事。 只是这次，在谈话中意识到阿嫲的记忆力似乎退化了一些。 我也明白，人老了，记忆库这个东西终究是会越来越有限。 回家的时候，我想：有一天如果阿嫲不再记得我是谁，她问我的话，我要怎么说呢？ 您儿子的学生？ 应该是这样吧。虽然这样讲听起来就是怪怪的。 如果到时候阿嫲不再记得我，我还有没有理由去探望她呢？见到她，我可以说什么呢？ 毕竟，不再记得我的她，也许不会想跟我这个陌生人多说话。 想到这里，我竟然有一点点害怕。 一个曾经熟悉的面孔，无所不谈的朋友，转眼间变得不再熟悉，不再有话题聊，这样的画面，似曾相识，却也很遥远。 离开师母家，我跟妹妹去看了电影《再见，在也不见》。 第二和第三个故事让我感触特别深。 尤其关乎友谊的那一个。 我想起周围有很多曾经很熟络的朋友，如今在地铁月台上、街道上、书店里，哪里都好，我多半会装作没看见。 对我而言，也并不是什么所谓的太久没见，见了会尴尬。 对于一些人，确实是不要见得好。 因为过去的种种喜怒哀乐实在太多太多，见了面也许只会触碰到过去，于是勾起的不论是美好或不美好的回忆，只会让人想了觉得遗憾。 但我也有点领悟。 早上跟妹妹讨论要看什么电影的时候，我其实建议看喜剧，但她坚决要看这部，因为她就是喜欢悲情的故事。 要是以前，我会毫无异议地跟她看。因为曾经的我就是喜欢看悲情的电影，听悲情的歌曲，然后才来躲在房间的一角觉得这个世界太可悲了。 我以前应该是患有忧郁症吧？ 现在我喜欢听开心的歌，看让人笑到飚泪的电影。 不开心的东西，我尽量远离。 因为不开心这个东西的影响力实在太大了。 好则让人发奋图强，坏则让人沉沦。 人固有喜怒哀乐，不开心很正常。只是，总要记得重新振作。 虽然有些人，在我也不想见，但在同一片天空下的我还是希望他们健康快乐。