the daily
I guess I really have been trying.
Work hasn't been the kindest to me. Recently, a very high-profile project got me working day and night, even on weekends. People asked me to take it easy. Somehow I just can't. I have certain expectations of myself, those that I'm unwilling to lower, maybe because I think I can do a lot more. But it seems no one really cares about the work anyway, except me. Once in a while, I question myself: Why do I need to lose sleep over this? Why do I have nightmares these days? Why can't I just relax?
But I just can't. I want to do it well, so much so that I find it a bit hard to breathe these days. I even woke up from chest pains in the night a few times this week.
Last weekend, the infection in my leg got a bit serious I actually intended to go to the A&E. For once, I decided I shouldn't try to cope with it all by my own. Since my mum had just undergone a surgery and needed rest, I thought I should approach my friends. But I couldn't get any that night. My best friends were overseas or busy and I didn't want to bother them. The whole episode got me a little demoralised, but in my head I kept repeating to myself: All these will be over soon. Hang in there!
Thank goodness I had thought that way.
Today I decided I really needed a break from work. I have been working so hard! To the point I thought I was neglecting my mum. I woke up early in the morning, still did work... The nicest thing in the afternoon, however, was meeting the sister for a nice bowl of wagyu beef rice with mentaiko sauce at WaCow before we had our favourite Toastbox tea. It was a short afternoon, but definitely very quality time spent.
I rushed home, did some work again, before going out to settle some finance matters with my mum. She had asked for my help from some time ago, and today was an ideal day to do it because she and I were free. It took us two hours. We went home (again) for her to take a quick shower, before we took the train to Chinatown to meet the sister for dinner. It was a long train ride. And definitely a rare long chat with my mum. She said so much, and she kept repeating how she was thankful I never made her worry, unlike my other siblings.
The brother and sis-in-law decided to join us for some chicken hotpot eventually. Needless to say, my mum was secretly very happy with the added company. She walked out of the restaurant twice to check if they were here. I knew she would have preferred to have my brother around, so I had asked him to join us for dinner since early this morning.
That night, I was physically and mentally drained from work. I dragged my weary body to the hospital to visit my mum who was just done with surgery. Couldn't say I wasn't disappointed that none of my siblings was there, each with a different reason. I stood for a good long thirty five minutes or so before my mum was transferred to the ward. After the nurses left, I saw her wipe her tear off before she turned to look at me. Knowing her, she probably felt sorry for herself. I had a chat with her, fed her some porridge, watched her doze off and wake up and scratched her back for her.
The visiting hours were ending in ten minutes. My brother arrived with an iPad. He had my mum's favourite Korean drama configured before telling her he would come again the next day. Then I left with him. That night, I went home telling myself, I would be a nicer daughter to my mum, as long as she is healthy.
The next evening, I rushed to the hospital in the evening again, tired again. The brother said he would come to pick us up, so I went to pick her first to bring her to the carpark. The brother said he was stuck in a jam, so mum and I chatted about what happened that morning.
Then she asked me, "Did you come to visit me yesterday?"
I was quite surprised at the question raised.
Before I answered, she said again, "I only remember your brother came."
I was upset for the next three days. Very upset in fact.
Sometimes, I feel that no matter what I do or how hard I try, I will never be that favourite child.
But after a long day with my mum today, I guess I'm back to that conclusion again:
I would be a better daughter to her, as long as she's healthy, and hopefully happy.
Work hasn't been the kindest to me. Recently, a very high-profile project got me working day and night, even on weekends. People asked me to take it easy. Somehow I just can't. I have certain expectations of myself, those that I'm unwilling to lower, maybe because I think I can do a lot more. But it seems no one really cares about the work anyway, except me. Once in a while, I question myself: Why do I need to lose sleep over this? Why do I have nightmares these days? Why can't I just relax?
But I just can't. I want to do it well, so much so that I find it a bit hard to breathe these days. I even woke up from chest pains in the night a few times this week.
Last weekend, the infection in my leg got a bit serious I actually intended to go to the A&E. For once, I decided I shouldn't try to cope with it all by my own. Since my mum had just undergone a surgery and needed rest, I thought I should approach my friends. But I couldn't get any that night. My best friends were overseas or busy and I didn't want to bother them. The whole episode got me a little demoralised, but in my head I kept repeating to myself: All these will be over soon. Hang in there!
Thank goodness I had thought that way.
Today I decided I really needed a break from work. I have been working so hard! To the point I thought I was neglecting my mum. I woke up early in the morning, still did work... The nicest thing in the afternoon, however, was meeting the sister for a nice bowl of wagyu beef rice with mentaiko sauce at WaCow before we had our favourite Toastbox tea. It was a short afternoon, but definitely very quality time spent.
I rushed home, did some work again, before going out to settle some finance matters with my mum. She had asked for my help from some time ago, and today was an ideal day to do it because she and I were free. It took us two hours. We went home (again) for her to take a quick shower, before we took the train to Chinatown to meet the sister for dinner. It was a long train ride. And definitely a rare long chat with my mum. She said so much, and she kept repeating how she was thankful I never made her worry, unlike my other siblings.
The brother and sis-in-law decided to join us for some chicken hotpot eventually. Needless to say, my mum was secretly very happy with the added company. She walked out of the restaurant twice to check if they were here. I knew she would have preferred to have my brother around, so I had asked him to join us for dinner since early this morning.
That night, I was physically and mentally drained from work. I dragged my weary body to the hospital to visit my mum who was just done with surgery. Couldn't say I wasn't disappointed that none of my siblings was there, each with a different reason. I stood for a good long thirty five minutes or so before my mum was transferred to the ward. After the nurses left, I saw her wipe her tear off before she turned to look at me. Knowing her, she probably felt sorry for herself. I had a chat with her, fed her some porridge, watched her doze off and wake up and scratched her back for her.
The visiting hours were ending in ten minutes. My brother arrived with an iPad. He had my mum's favourite Korean drama configured before telling her he would come again the next day. Then I left with him. That night, I went home telling myself, I would be a nicer daughter to my mum, as long as she is healthy.
The next evening, I rushed to the hospital in the evening again, tired again. The brother said he would come to pick us up, so I went to pick her first to bring her to the carpark. The brother said he was stuck in a jam, so mum and I chatted about what happened that morning.
Then she asked me, "Did you come to visit me yesterday?"
I was quite surprised at the question raised.
Before I answered, she said again, "I only remember your brother came."
I was upset for the next three days. Very upset in fact.
Sometimes, I feel that no matter what I do or how hard I try, I will never be that favourite child.
But after a long day with my mum today, I guess I'm back to that conclusion again:
I would be a better daughter to her, as long as she's healthy, and hopefully happy.
Gl... You've done a lot. You're trying to persevere and give it your best too... I realize things may not unfold perfectly or as well as expected but you also need your rest and happiness too. Besides, you'rve already done a lot (caring for your mum, visiting her, juggling the high demands at work).
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to you getting a break, btw. Try to be easier on yourself even if it feels at times that your efforts are not recognized. You are doing what you can, gl.
Thank you Kitty :)
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