tacenda

I actually really like how every time I want to share a picture on my phone, you are the first to appear on my screen :)

午夜12点45分。 肚子好饿。 刚刚跟两个死党去唱了三个小时的歌。 今天只点静茹的歌，为的是明天的演唱会。 那些歌，多半是好几年前陪着我帮我疗伤的。 如今听起来唱起来竟然没什么感觉了。 虽然，偶尔有一点点想念。 今天，你传了三张天空的照片给我。 这对我来说已经是很大的进步。 因为尽管你还留在你那不开心的故事里，至少你学会了抬头看看天空。 曾经我也在自己的故事里沉沦，以为永远走不出来。 但我学会了仰望天空，让自己心情好一些。 我不知道你会不会心情好一些。 但我希望在同一片天空下的你，看着天空你会得到某种平静。 早上我发了一张天空的照片给你。 你拍了同一片天空再发给我。 我其实很开心。 因为你居然看得到我所看到的同一片天空。 这证明了我们的距离也不是那么遥远。 今天我还是一样不难过。 累还是会累。 但我也因为你传的天空照片而得到很多慰籍。 希望你的伤很快好。

While in the gym just now, I looked out of the window and saw an exceptionally big bird in the skies that were painted a beautiful orange-red. That could not have been a typical myna nor pigeon. Probably a hawk, I thought. And I also thought that was a rare sight, as rare as seeing a crestfallen me these days. Or, maybe not these days.  Maybe I needed a quiet night in my room like this to see for myself who I really am at this point in time. These days, I kept thinking back and wondered how I had managed to move on. If anything, I very much want to adopt the same method I did earlier. Then again, I do not suppose I did anything in particular. Maybe time was the key.  I read a friend's Facebook post yesterday on how being happy makes a person feel less sleepy. That is exactly the opposite of what I have been feeling of late. I am damn sleepy, every single day.  I actually feel slightly jaded. While on the way home from gym, I was scrolling some posts I shared years ago and...

谢谢你, 总是这么懂得让我笑。 遇见你是在我长那么大最乐观的时候。 但我对你的坦白却没有将我们的距离拉得很远。 甚至, 比从前多了一份安稳。 你还是你。 我知道就算有什么不快乐, 很快都会过去的。 对于现在的平稳, 我是应该知足的。 就算, 我心里偶尔有一万个为什么。

下过雨的凌晨两点钟, 我以为肯定更好睡。 但我就是睡不着。 过去一周在阴天的台北度过, 有些人有些事, 我一直相信见不到就可以好好忘记。 但好像有一点点难。 我想我是应该好好整理一下这些思绪。 否则接下来, 剪不断, 理还乱。 那天跟衍兴聊过, 我回家真的很认真地想过。 后来再跟嘉宜聊起, 答案更清楚。 于是我在脸书上发简讯通知, 饭局改期。 其实, 我没有改期的意思, 只是确定不会去。 前前后后, 四年了吧? 还蛮难想象的。时间过得这般快, 我都还没来得及搞清楚我自己的想法。 飞回来的时候, 嘉宜问我: "你是不是还在眷恋什么?" 突然间, 我豁然开朗。 没有。没有眷恋了。 如果说这四年有什么最深的感触, 我其实只是觉得很遗憾。因为我总是觉得还有一些什么是我们当初说好一起完成的, 却还没去完成。 但事实上, 我连说好要一起完成的事, 都已经不记得了。 是真的不记得了。 我总以为我一直在等待一个机会。 不是的。 我其实只是在等待时间会让我忘记, 释怀, 然后重新拥抱新的生活。 而我也确实办到了。 即便现在我们之间也算是风淡云轻, 没什么好顾及的, 但也没什么好再聚在一块的意义。 我只希望自己会坚守这份信念, 不再动摇。 另一头, 你说抱歉。 然后又说也许时间不对。 其实, 我比谁都更明白, 面对一个没有感觉的人, 这是最好最不残忍的答案。 为此, 我真的很谢谢你。 因为在这样的时候, 你还是那么顾及我的感受。 谢谢你, 让我下台下得那么从容。 大家都说我很勇敢, 其实我觉得自己愚蠢和冲动的成分多一些。 但既然话已经说出口, 我没打算收回。 我只希望, 我们会一直这么开心, 把心里那份对对方的感激, 好好藏在心里。 学长说, 精诚所至, 金石为开。 我很想相信, 但我打所心里承认没有这个信心。 这条路走多了, 明白路上荆棘不断, 不会那么顺。 我只会一直走下去。 平行线不会交汇没关系, 至少总是往同个方向前行。 愿我们都是通往快乐的平行线 :)

说真的, 我好想你。 但我会好好地忘记。 因为不这样, 还能怎样?

The event ended last Friday, on a good note I would say. I must say I am secretly quite proud of myself to have achieved something of this scale, despite the unhappy process to allow this to happen. And so, I decided to go ahead with what I had told myself to do after the event. Besties were with me, and I really appreciated that even though I am no longer as needy as before. As soon as I had sent the text, I switched my phone to flight mode, somehow in the delusion that I was uncontactable. While I was in Royal Sporting House, the song of my life played -- The reason by Hoobastank. It was not like I had not heard this song for ages, I actually did a few times earlier in the year. Yet somehow the fact that it played in the shop at that point in time (when there were butterflies in my stomach) seemed to point out two things, either a reminder that I should jolly well move on and stop fantasizing, or to tell me that the past no longer mattered. Whichever the case, I guessed any realisati...