tacenda

2015年1月1日。 朋友的一句话深深地伤害了我。 但同时也让我反省了一下，明白自己一直很软弱。 软弱得，对身边的人造成了很多麻烦。 归根究底，应该还是自己的错吧。怨不得其他人。 我想我也应该明白，有些一辈子是用来保存，不是用来实践的。 不知道为什么，尽管很努力在消化，但仍然觉得这个现实来得有点残酷。 但无论如何，我会尽力。 咬紧牙根，一切大概就会过去了。 这是我在新的一年里的自我要求。 过去我一定在12月31日这一天好好地总结一年里发生的事和从中得到的体会。 但我想我们都不该总回头看。 失去太多了，没必要去回顾。 有些新目标，我会好好记着，慢慢去实现。 过去一年里，感谢大家对我的包容、谅解、关心、爱护。 我会学习活得更好。

Somehow I wished it was a nightmare when I saw the news on Facebook just now. This time, I know of two people who have their loved ones on that flight. And I really, really wish for nothing but the safe return of the whole crew and passengers of that flight. J is flying there today because of work. Please, let her return safely.

I first said I wanted to go to Jay's concert when I was thirteen, but was obviously too poor to do anything about it. Now, with a little bit of earning power, I finally decided it was time. I am no longer a avid fan of his like I used to be back in secondary school days. I recall the first music album I bought was his. And I remember I loved 七里香 album so much that I would sing that song every morning before morning assembly commenced. I stopped listening to his new songs from 牛仔很忙 album, perhaps only a few love ballads that would usually not go wrong. Last night's concert was one of those, or maybe the only one, that I could sing almost all the songs. I probably only couldn't sing a song or two. The old songs were simply too classic, I didn't even have to refer to the lyrics on the screen to sing. My memories rewound to the primary 5 days, when 暗号, 世界末日 and 最后的战役 were my favourites. I remember one day my Chinese teacher was teaching the Chinese character "帅"  ...

今年聖誕，像是過了很多天。 平安夜前夕，就跟姚老師的家人聚餐。好想念阿嫲的菜。師母還破費，特地到莆田打包了很多我說過好吃的佳肴加菜。 我和家人圍在客廳餐桌用餐的機會很少。所以這種天倫之樂真的讓我覺得很溫馨。 平安夜，跟最好的一群朋友到一家味道不怎麽樣的越南餐廳吃晚餐。食物倒是一般，但朋友的相伴絕對無价。我很感激她們陪我度過聖誕，於是就請她們到星巴克，一人一杯飲料。儘管這個月快破產了，但這種錢還是應該花的。 是的，如果可以的話，我不想再喝綠茶拿鉄了。 這一年，那個味道陪伴我走過很多痛苦的日子。 雖然每一次都看似非常期待喝到這杯飲料，但那也不過是因爲當中的甜喚起很多過去的美好回憶。但最後留下的苦澀，只有自己知道。 我現在喝得習慣的飲料，不太甜，但也不苦。味道淡淡的，並不特別新奇，卻讓人滿足。 我要的生活也不過如此。 昨晚跟大學的一群好友聚餐。我一直很想做的事，就是為他們下廚。因爲能為身邊在乎的親人好友下廚，那是很快樂的事。我很享受我們聚在一起，很習慣地用中文溝通的相處方式。因爲這種相處方式是我們這一群人獨有的，並不是任何其他人可以輕易融入或理解的。我不是刻意要把其他人邊緣化，而是很慶幸認識這麽一群同樣頻道的朋友。 今年聖誕很精彩。很多開心的事情都好想跟你分享，但我明白不能這麽做了。 有些事情，也因爲放下了才知道原來它曾經很沉重。 昨晚朋友無意提起一些人，我心裏卻不曾泛起一絲漣漪。我就知道，已經不重要了。 你說我今年聖誕，是不是收穫很大？

The year has flown past so quickly it's December again. This December, I find myself bogged down by work, so much so that I almost forgot that last December was really terrible. I don't know if there is a correlation, but I just wanted to say that, in comparison to last year, this December has been pretty well spent. I used to look forward to December, because it was the time to conclude the year and look forward to the next. This year I do not exceptionally look forward, I have enjoyed living in the present. Last night we went to Raffles Place for Christmas dinner. The attendance was not so good, the food was not so good, the weather was not so good. But I think my mood was quite good. I wouldn't say I was very happy, but definitely very contented. After all the losses this year, I am very contented that on Christmas I have their company. We had Christmas brunch this morning, and then badminton. Our way of spending Christmas couldn't have been simpler, but certainly su...

A mailed me a parcel with a metal tin of cards and stickers inside and a big Christmas card. I was really touched by the contents in the card. Indeed, as a woman and a friend who has known me for more than a decade, she knows me well enough. But I meant it when I said that I was recovering. This time it really felt easier. In fact, everything else feels relatively better to cope. When I say "relatively" I think I mean relative to the big crisis that happened a couple of months back. I don't think anything else that happened this year had drained more energy from me. And while cliché it sounds, it's time to move forward. Sunday night we had a Christmas barbecue. I couldn't help but think back to the good old days. We have grown so much. I got Z's book during the present exchange, and have started reading. I think everything happens for a reason. Perhaps, this inspirational book has come to help lift me out of rock bottom too. Very thankful.

The care centre texted me. I am much amazed by their efficiency, on the assumption that they really do provide quality service. And yeah, it's a Friday. No girlfriends, no Starbucks, no cute barista. And no soyed latte. I am firm about quitting my needy ways and healing with a cup of soyed latte. I turned down all appointments today. I need some rest. The past nights have been rough. There were dreams of work, rodents, friends. Clearly, the roots of weird dreams are often unrested thoughts. I could feel myself go to bed with those feelings and waking up with them too. If you ask me what those feelings are, sorry, I do not think I can verbalise them in words. If I could, perhaps I would have compartmentalised them. Then again, I have never been very at that thing. Matter-of-factly, I am not good at anything. I am not good at ignoring text messages, at feigning busy. Especially when they come from a friend as important as you. I thought I could do this without batting an eyelid. Appa...

I decided it was time I sent my G12 for servicing before it was too late. My favourite aperture mode has not been working for the longest time and that is very worrying, given that I always use it to snap pictures of my Doraemon. I was appalled to find on the Internet that the care centre closes at 7pm on weekdays, so I literally hopped my way there after I exited the train station. 6.58 p.m. Heng. I was the last customer in line and the staff's welcoming and comforting attitude was a plus point. And so, I left my G12 in the care of the engineers. It has not left my side all these years I think I need some getting used to. It was early. I hung out in the vicinity, got myself some snacks and a present for exchange this weekend. Once in a while it is nice to do some shopping alone, except everywhere was packed with throngs of shoppers. This is my way of moving on I suppose. It has never been easier. Perhaps this time I am already immune to the breaking apart that I no longer feel ups...

昨晚一整晚没睡，现在应该很累才对。头脑，却清醒得很。 2009年的那天，我跟sam表白后，就立刻跟你说。 几年后，我跟你表白。我要找谁说呢? 那年，我表白，只是想把心里隐藏很久的话说出来。 这次，我并不是害怕留下什么所谓的遗憾，只是想要主动地改变一些什么。因为真的，我以为这次对了。 到现在，我仍然希望是场噩梦。也许是我真的无法接受这个现实。 我总天真地认为我们只有彼此。真的。 我总以为你懂我。更以为我懂你。 但你人生中出现另一个人，我却全然不知。 我不知道自己在纠结什么。是生气你的人生中有别人我都不知道吗? 还是难过因为你居然对我说那些话? 还是，我纯粹不能面对你的人生中居然有我以外的人? 是我太自负了。 觉得自己现在就像只鸵鸟，拼命挖个洞，想把头埋进去。 我不知道这次会用多长的时间。应该不会太久吧? 死党说有过历练的人恢复得比较快。 更何况我是个从未爬出深谷的人。 只是觉得心又多了一个洞。 就像，你在最脆弱的时候找到一个给你力量的来源，然后在你开始振作的时候，有人把这个来源去除。 突然间，那些感觉都好模糊。 那次你看我的眼神。那些你每天传来的鼓励寄语，让我觉得人生还有希望。 原来，是我自作多情。 这一年，我常常会回头看看去年11月迄今你发的简讯。每次看完都觉得很有力量。 我不是一个健忘的人，是因为我常常复习。 可是这次，我狠下心删除了那些一年来的希望。希望记忆也会随之被删除。 我想做一个健忘的人。 也许这样，未来我们就可以相处得像过去一样。

It's time to move on again, GL!!!

Tuesday has never been my favourite day because its proximity to Monday makes it equally dreadful. But. Today was slightly better. My buddy colleague returned from her vacation. Her presence makes me feel better. For anywhere you go, you probably still need that one person whom you trust and can rely on. We left work really early for a talk at NIE. Call me autistic, but that place is one I hardly want to visit, ever again. Thank goodness, it was the school vacation term. It felt a lot safer. After dinner, I boarded the double decker bus home. Normally I would not go up to the upper deck because I would usually be too lazy to do so. Today I decided to. But very instinctively, I went to the last seat at the back, then took out my new earpiece to listen to my newly discovered oldies. Yes, the irony. Thankful that I replaced my spoiled earpiece over the weekend because taking long bus rides without music at my ears is just weird. If there is anything I enjoy about being a working adult, it...

Dear You Sometimes I think we know what we feel, but we don't want to admit it. If I am ever right about that, then I think we all know why we don't want to admit it too. And that's okay. Really. Because if breaking the silence means losing what we both have now, then I'd rather keep the silence. Thank you, for being the best thing that happened to me this year. Love Me

总还是要孤独一下。 转个弯，还是有无限的可能。

Saying that life is a library is not because I am a librarian. Probably because, it dawned upon me that like a library, life has so many stories of people to tell, ranging a huge variety. If you are keen enough to find out, you would pick that one book off the shelf to explore. Too boring? It's okay. You are not obliged to complete the book anyway. Switch to another one as you deem necessary. Don't like this genre? That's okay too. The library of life is enormous. Don't fret over not being able to find the genre that suits you. While I can say this with much calmness and perhaps even dictation, yeah, I couldn't be worse at this. Today, a friend decided to close the book that tells my story. She said it does not suit her. What am I to say? I could not even attempt to speak up for myself because you cannot penalise someone for thinking that you are not a suitable friend. So, much as I am puzzled, confused, battered, I too have to close this book and move on to the nex...

I have been at this for a while, haven't I? Trying again and again. And then falling. And then trying again. It's December again. In a course of say, six months, I have lost so much. I am really, going to try, again. To let go of all that mattered so much, or still matter. To let things pass, much as I don't want them to. Because really, efforts to salvage are in vain eventually. I am going to try to not try so hard again.