tacenda

Someday, somehow, somewhat, I hope you know that you matter so much.

There is so much pain in this, to the point I am actually beginning to feel numb about it. I don't know if you feel the same. You probably don't. But I am really trying. So hard. I am still trying to be a better person. I don't know if I have already lost myself in the process. I don't know what defines me anymore. I only wished you would understand.

Why is this episode so painful?

I couldn't stop tearing as I watched this before the Venom movie started. https://youtu.be/VQoiz4wfV_c

On the long train ride with the best friend, I was trying my very best to share what seemed like a dreadful nightmare for the past couple of months. And I found my eyes wet with tears. So I stopped. I did not think the best friend saw that. Maybe things just happened, that it did not occur to me that it had become such a burden. I feel like I am in the middle of a suspending bridge and so conflicted between finishing the seemingly endless journey and turning back. To make things worse, maybe, I feel like I am alone on the bridge. Dear You, would you return to normalcy please? Where did the good days go? I don't even need good. Just peaceful will do. Come back to reality, will you?

8.32 a.m. I am hanging out at my new favourite spot. Two days back I had a hot mocha here. I did not usually have coffee. But it is a new habit it seems. Today I decided to just have a cup of earl grey tea. These days I need nothing but occasionally a moment of peace. The war of thoughts going on in my head can get a little intense. I tried to dispel them yesterday morning by going for a run. By the 2.5 km mark, my chest (or was it the heart?) was hurting so badly. Maybe it was the ghost of my dream feeding on my soul. Yesterday I woke up feeling like a piece of me was missing. They say, good and bad dreams are determined by how you feel when you wake up. Then I suppose it was a really bad dream. In the dream, I lost two people who matter to me. In my waking world, it seems, I have partially lost them too. It is like, no matter how hard you try to build your relationships with certain people, some things just fall through the cracks. And it is probably not because it is anyone's fa...