tacenda

I used to be very afraid of losing. In examinations, in contests, in games. I guess I was scared of failures maybe. Now, I am very afraid of losing. People, a good opportunity, beautiful things. For no matter how good you are, some of these things are out of your control.

Finished Dead Letters and The Seventeen Seconds Miracle today. The former did not end so well, the latter, inspiring. In any case, I managed to get some peace that I had needed. Books, they always help. Guess I need to find some new titles again.

I guess I really have been trying.  Work hasn't been the kindest to me. Recently, a very high-profile project got me working day and night, even on weekends. People asked me to take it easy. Somehow I just can't. I have certain expectations of myself, those that I'm unwilling to lower, maybe because I think I can do a lot more. But it seems no one really cares about the work anyway, except me. Once in a while, I question myself: Why do I need to lose sleep over this? Why do I have nightmares these days? Why can't I just relax? But I just can't. I want to do it well, so much so that I find it a bit hard to breathe these days. I even woke up from chest pains in the night a few times this week.  Last weekend, the infection in my leg got a bit serious I actually intended to go to the A&E. For once, I decided I shouldn't try to cope with it all by my own. Since my mum had just undergone a surgery and needed rest, I thought I should approach my friends. But I coul...

And so, the wedding took place yesterday. I kept asking myself, "Why did this person feel so unfamiliar? Didn't I grow up with her?" I questioned myself over and over again.  I wondered about the pretense, the need for it.  I asked myself, "Could it simply be a different presentation of oneself in front of a different audience?" But I could not come to terms with myself on that.  The change was too drastic, too pretentious.  The mention of some past episodes triggered that dark corner at the back of my head.  I went home to take a nap because I was supposed to be down with flu. And I had nightmares during that short stint of forty winks I caught.  Something jolted me awake. I could not remember what.  But I could not forget that feeling - the feeling I felt during the period after he had passed on. By dinnertime, I had no qualms.  I think I did all I could or ought to do.

It is the weekend again. I woke up early for some breakfast with the sister before running some errands. Then, I decided to do another round of packing. Maybe it has become some sort of a means to relieve stress for me now. As a matter of fact, I have been rather stressed out of late, with work piling up and to be precise, work that requires a lot of brain power and time. I like that I am intellectually challenged, finally, yet at the same time, I often ponder over why some people react in certain ways. I guess we can never see and know all types of personalities in this world. People are just, amazing. So I cleared another box of letters and cards. The last box I figure. I suppose the total number of letters and cards I had kept over the last few years should add up to four or five hundred, if not more. The oldest card dated back to 1999, that is almost two decades from now. I could jolly well lift the whole box of letters and dump them into the chute, but I decided to go through them...

Visited Chris, Yunni and of course John at their new place today. Their home was neat and adequate in every way possible. We spent quite some time discussing how people's homes these days are neater than those of the past because we know what to keep and what not to. I came back and did another round of decluttering. The last I did was probably the week before I changed to a new job (some time in Oct 2017). I discarded many items then, but still kept many. One thing that never changed, was that I always kept all the letters, cards and notes that people wrote to me. There were also some ticket stubs from movies or concerts. People who really knew me would know I have been the most sentimental. Not only do I always write people cards and letters during festivals or simply on random notes, I also keep them for the longest. I am pretty sure I kept at least 200 letters, in many boxes and all around in the house. I always felt I should keep them so that I could open them up and read, rem...