tacenda

那天看到一个熟悉的轮廓走下楼梯，我好似有意识地放慢脚步。 也许只想招招手，说声 Hi。 但我们的步伐一向就不一致。 于是我快到门口了，你却还在很远的地方。 你抬头了，我也挥了挥手。 你笑了。 不到一分钟，收到一则简讯。 我当场有点诧异。 不记得最后一次在自己的手机屏幕上看到这个名字是什么时候。 我回复后，你又再回复。 但我知道自己不能继续了。 那个感觉，很熟悉，却又很遥远。 有时候我会想，当初我选择这样子的我们，是不是我错了。 但是多数时候我会想，也许是因为我选择了这样的我们，这份熟悉感才永远不会离开。 虽然，它也永远不能靠得太近。 静茹的歌里有一句 “也许遗憾和年轻总绑在一起”。 我想是这个意思吧。 我知道过去不能捡回来了。 我也没在难过什么。只是偶尔会想想，会眷恋。 然后我也只是想说， 我好想你。

It is one of those weekends that I do not touch work-related matters at all because there is some construction work going on at the workplace these days and everyone is to switch off the office computer, leaving me unable to remote from home. This, amazingly, just struck me that it is not a bad thing after all. For I am finally normal on a weekend, watching my recent favourite TVB drama, and picking up a book to read when I am bored. While indulging in all these simple pleasures, there has actually been a list of things piling up in my head. I decided I should pen them down so as to make them more concrete and less forgettable thus negligible. 1. I must meet Shimu soon. 2. I must meet chew chew soon. 3. I must meet Rahil soon. 4. I must visit Grassroot bookstore again. 5. I must visit Punggol waterworks. 6. I must visit Liling and her baby. 7. I must climb Bukit Timah Hill again. 8. I must go to Taiwan end of this year. 9. I must finish a novel by July. 10. I must attempt to cook curry...

My heart goes out to the families, teachers and friends of the deceased of the Sabah quake. And at this point of time, I can never understand the intentions of those who step in and pass comments like, "Schools shouldn't send young kids to such faraway place." As if the situation isn't bad enough. And like my friends would say, the teachers who managed to escape the catastrophe probably have to come back to face the music, and probably live in guilt for the rest of their lives. I can't help but feel injustice for them. Somehow people just like to play the finger-pointing game whenever something comes up. Must someone or anyone be held responsible for the root of the issue before the episode can be closed? If anything, I just wish there will be no more casualties, and those hurt will be allowed some time to heal.

I was doing desktop remote to work on my incomplete stuff because the day had been a crazy one and I totally had no spare time to finish them. Then I heard the engines of a jet plane from a distance. Of course I couldn't be sure if it was really a jet plane or my currently very imaginative mind made it up. All I knew was that the first thing that came to my head was the scene in X-Men 2 (or was it 3?) where the mutants were in Xavier's School for the Gifted Youngsters and then came Magneto and his fellows in a jet plane. For a moment I actually wished Magneto was here to take me away whether or not he was a bad guy. Cos' I thought at least I could have a valid reason to run away from all the endless work this and next week. There is simply too much on my plate that I feel absolutely drained and demoralised. And some people are not helping by adding to my load unnecessarily. The only good thing is at the end of the day, I try to remind myself that I'm not the only one in...

一觉醒来，有种心痛的感觉。 不知道那个感觉源自哪里，只知道让人有些颓废。 现在播放着Hebe翻唱的《囚鸟》。耳边的旋律好像加重了这种感觉。 突然发现，我好久没有好好睡一觉了。 还蛮累的，好想休息一下。

Came back to office in the hope to get some things done. But certain things really spoiled my mood. And it's not that I don't know better not to allow my mood to be ruined by certain things. It's just difficult. Especially when you start to believe again. Sigh, this is so depressing.

I am jotting this down because I want to recollect  this moment years down the road. Today colleagues and I finally realised our Ubin hike after procrastinating it for the longest time. I have to admit, right at the beginning I was apprehensive, mainly because I didn't want to be reminded of the past that hasn't passed for too long. The scenes of the ritual, of boarding the boat, and of my mum's look when the ashes went down the seawater were still fresh in my head. At least up till this morning they still were. But as the engine started and the boat made its way to Ubin island, I no longer felt that kind of pain inside me. Maybe time really heals. And as I have always believed, the vastness and tranquility of the seawater always help to heal a wounded heart. The hike was a long one. Along the way we made fun of one another and enjoyed the sights that nature could offer. We had early dinner thereafter and made an impromptu decision to have cakes at Holland V. Dragging my we...