tacenda

最近过去的事情就像一部老电影不断在我脑子里播放。 没有颜色, 没有声音, 却历历在目。 我不知道这算不算是一种病, 总会在某个时候复发。 我也不知道有没有得医, 还是有没有药治。 每当复发, 我唯有不知所措, 只想把自己关起来。 于是最近我又不太想见人。 脑筋特别活跃, 却是活跃在不对的地方。 总在幻想着坏事发生, 然后杯弓蛇影。 我想我需要找人治病。

Despite the cramps, I decided maybe it was time I got out of the house for a breather before I died sooner in the house. I missed lunch and dinner yesterday, so I thought I would go for a binge today. Yet as I roamed about in the malls, I realised I did not want to gain unnecessary kilos nor did I like the feeling of being bloated. I settled for Joey's family stall and got myself a plate of maggi goreng which turned out to be a portion for two. I actually finished it and did not feel full... If anything, I think the only form of consolation I got from this was that this should make up for the two meals that I never had yesterday. The day could not have begun and ended with a plate of maggi goreng. I made my way to the other end of Singapore for a 4.10p.m. movie. I managed to make it to the cinema and got the tickets for Mr. SYX and myself at 4.05p.m. The commercial trailers surprisingly lasted more than 15 minutes before we got into the mood for the movie which we contemplated for ...

人与人之间的关系真的很奇....怪。 尽管活到一把年纪, 累积多少人生历练, 却还是可以比一个六岁的小孩来得幼稚。 我并不是说这样是错的。 但当一个人决定用这种方法来解决问题的时候, 殊不知会姑息了一些什么。 也许, 确实每个人就是每个人的一面镜子。 我也是今年才深刻体会这个道理。 也许, 一开始我就做错了。 中途意识到这一点, 想要补救, 已经来不及了。 有些事情就是如此。不能说每次都能补救。 否则如何尝到摔跤的滋味。 我厌倦了这样的形式。 这些年来, 因为我的优柔寡断, 这个恶性循环自我重复了无数遍。 我曾问过自己, 这真的是我要的人生吗? 显然, 我更想摆脱。 人的一切烦恼本来就源自于自己。 我无需为自己的头添白发。 如果说小孩的哭闹是为了得到糖果, 我决定不纵容这样的行为。 我不想往后怪自己仁慈。

I happened to chance upon this note I addressed to Mr. Yeo on my afternoon flight back from Taiwan this July. I had forgotten totally what I had written until I came across it again. And it was quite timely. I guess, it is another reminder for myself. It's good. No explaining. Keep away. Don't hold on too tightly. This shall be it.

我自问没有对不起谁, 也很努力地确保自己不重蹈覆辙。但不明白自己为什么还是沦落到这片田地。 我一心只想单单纯纯地对身边的人好, 过简单的生活。 我甚至不期盼这辈子会有任何厮守一生的对象。 但为什么就是不能呢? 我想是时候离开这个岗位了吧。