tacenda

The sister most doted on called me to share her woes. As expected, she began weeping away before anything else. Instead of sounding kind and calming her down, I couldn't help again but started raising my voice and telling her not to be so weak. And immediately after I hung up, I felt bad. She had called to seek a listening ear but I imposed my principles on her instead. There was an incoming call when I was conversing with her. It was the mother. I returned the call and on the other side of the line was a very, very agitated voice that ranted on and on about the other two sisters. It struck me how lousy I am at comforting people. Then there was the buddy colleague who was also upset today. I did not know what to say. For a day that is supposed to mark the coming end of the week, it has been a pretty dreadful one.  I just hope, I get some rest soon.

Everyone thinks I should help them because they are in need of help. No one thinks they should help me because I can handle things on my own. Sometimes it strikes me how USEFUL I really am. Thank you, thank you SO MUCH for your recognition and acknowledgement. Just because I posted a picture of myself eating in a cafe and drinking in Starbucks does not mean I am enjoying myself. Just because I have two freaking hours to drink a cup of tea or eat a slice of cake does not mean I have time to do so much. Okthxbye.

He wasn't staying any longer. So I thought maybe yes, I ought to write him an email to say whatever had been on my mind the past few days. I said he wasn't very nice to work with, but matter-of-factly, those were merely hearsay, I never really had a chance to work with him. Duh, I mean, I am just a small fry, which of course, I do not mind. His story this morning moved me to tears. I'm not sure if I have become more prone to tears since last year or what. He was really nice in his email reply. And it felt good on my part that I made someone's day. I am unable to articulate the sense of loss in my life these days. Yes, I guess it's not that bad, it's just a severe lack of focus on a particular goal, which I have yet to figure out. To many, it cannot be a simpler issue. To me, it's a life crisis. I am not losing sleep or crying over it at all. No feelings of sadness, anger, misery, whatever. I just wonder if I am behaving far too nonchalant about it. Maybe I s...

I couldn't be lazier when it came to writing these days. My work requires me to write reports almost all the time, both in English and Chinese. Makes me wonder if that has killed my passion for writing. That is, if my passion is even strong to begin with. It's like I had something in mind a minute ago and actually decided to pen it down. But this minute I decide it's a chore and chuck it aside. Really, it's a bad habit to adopt. So now, I'm penning these down on the bus because the traffic jam in the morning is terrible. January has been very busy. February will be more overwhelming and in all honesty, I'm not so looking forward to it. But yeah, we have to move forward somehow. I feel all these workload somehow help to don a layer of protection on my wounds. It's not to say this layer won't wear off, but at the very least it helps me cope with things so much better, even if temporarily. I know for myself scenarios have changed. The change is a stark one....

1. 我并不是周杰伦的超级粉丝，但毕竟也从11岁就听他的歌。突然觉得，他结婚了这件事很奇怪。也许因为我从以前就觉得他像是个永远不会步入教堂的人。 2. 我想当喜欢JJ和邓紫琪的《手心的蔷薇》，很有童话的感觉。好像去唱歌啊~ 3. 昨天还是发了个简讯给E，因为他失踪很久，担心他又进医院了。最后是我多虑了。 4. 昨天用了第一份花红给自己买了一件连身裤，非常喜欢。 5. 最近好像开始意识到自己有多忙。并非自己喜欢忙成这样子，但工作就是很多。几乎没时间好好想想自己是不是要吃这行饭。 6. 其实我还蛮想请一天假，好好地到住家附近的咖啡厅吃块蛋糕，好好沉淀一下。 7. 我又要工作了。

2015年1月12日。晴。上班途中。 昨晚写报告，比平时迟睡。躺在床上，迷迷糊糊中听见妈妈进来跟我说话。说什么，听得不清楚心里自然也知道。也记得自己应了一句 "不需要"。今早起来，看见100元在桌上。以往妈妈都把钱放进红包封里，而我总觉得没必要。如今反倒觉得怪怪的。不知道是妈妈赶时间，还是因为去年家里办了白事所以不能包红包。无论如何，都只为讨个吉利，也是妈妈的心意。 匆匆忙忙要离开房间，感觉房门外面有东西。打开门，果然，朋友在房门外挂了礼物。由于没时间拆礼物，于是拿出卡片就出门了。在巴士上读了卡片，尽管只是简简单单几句话，却也让我在这冷冷的早上感到很温暖。 小时候最喜欢收到礼物，最好是用色彩鲜艳的纸包得美美的。后来大了就希望收到红包，觉得那样实际些，可以用钱买自己喜欢的东西。现在的自己，两者都不要。问我要什么，物质上的我说不出上来，因为我什么都不缺。我只希望身边的人健康快乐。因为说得自私点，我很害怕失去。 2015年1月12日。晴。下班后。 一天下来，很不舒服。生理期没像这次那么准时过。也因此如此，特别想要一个人静一静。 过去，喜欢喧嚣，害怕寂静会把孤独放大。 现在，喜欢宁静，害怕嘈杂会扰乱了思绪。 于是我很习惯性地坐在这家星巴克喝着我的新饮品。 忙了一天，傍晚6点半才有空打开手机。 27封简讯，都是祝福。 有的朋友总喜欢嘲讽地说我要不已经请了一天假，要不跟一群朋友有精彩的节目。 我懒得多说。 解释这件事很累人。我只想好好让自己沉淀，好好享受一段不需要说话的时间。 这一天对我而言曾经很重要。如今却是再普通不过的一天。

2015年1月5日。 你知道吗? 今天又拿花红，又加薪。 其实是应该很开心的。 但，怎么都开心不起来。 这几个星期，我把所有的事都往肚子里吞。 我好想告诉你，我真的无法跟一些人相处。 我好想告诉你，有的人表面与世无争，实际上却比谁都更沽名钓誉。 我好想告诉你，我现在只想过安逸的生活，大家却逼着我要力争上游。 我好想告诉你，我仍然很害怕失去身边的人。 我好想告诉你，我有很多牢骚要对你发。 我好想告诉你，我很久没有听你说人生大道理了，你每次说完我就会重新燃起希望。 我好想告诉你，我说我很忙是因为我怕你担心我会想太多。 我好想告诉你，我总在社交媒体上表现得很开心是因为我不想你觉得我没有你会过得不开心。 所以我都不能告诉你。 老实说一句，前前后后没有太大的差别。 我没得到什么，当然也没失去什么。 也没有特别不开心或沮丧。 只是突然意识到，有好多事情都没法跟你说了。 不是说什么也没失去吗? 我怎么觉得心里少了一份寄托? 一个腾出来的空缺，是得到还是失去?